So not only has he quite literally decimated their readerbase but he’s also made every other newspaper run the story that they were going to endorse Harris anyway, instead of likely just limiting that information to the handful of Washington Post subscribers that cared enough to check. Great quash, Jeff, you really shut that one down.

What, just now?

honestly even just saying “shaped” is a bit of a stretch

It would be very out-of-character for him to just now try to distance himself from the morally reprehensible, so I’m going to assume he simply forgot the man existed the moment he left his field of view.

There’s always old reliable, “that thing over there”

“Complicit in faking the moon landing/covering up the Flat Earth™” are the obvious ones. “Space cadet” always a classic. These, being the low-hanging fruit, I think will be the ones we’ll see the most going forward, but I’d still like to throw my hat in the ring:

“An astronaut? You mean those guys that get off on flying their little rockets out of the atmosphere so they can breathe bottled air for a week? Like some sort of oxygen cuck?”

(obviously this implies a repubican pundit using the word “atmosphere” in a complete sentence, so I think we’re safe)

I’ve had nightmares containing the phrase “Vice President Shapiro” and I’d like to avoid having that image in my head for even just the split-second it takes me to disambiguate the two.

Also the other guy’s been to space, so.

And why do we bake cookies but cook bacon?

does that mean that 36x10²⁵ Scaramuccis is equal to one ronnaRonna?

Mar-a-Lago, Palm Beach, Florida

Holy shit. I’ve figured it out. I’ve cracked the master plan.

“Um, excuse me, stolen classified documents piled high to the rafters in my bathroom? I believe that’s the New York attorney general’s bathroom, athankyouverymuch. Case dismissed!”

This makes the fairly generous assumption that the man is capable of planning, but whatever.

I was gonna make some joke like “is one of them ‘being pressured into taking out a predatory loan at age 17?’”, but then I went to actually read the article, missed the “Continue Reading” button, and mistook the list of “Trending Now” links at the bottom of the page for the qualifying factors… I was very confused as to why:

1. Your 50-year-old mom building a $1.3B startup
2. Being a 29-year-old making $125,000 working in tech without a bachelor’s degree
3. The value of bitcoin being ‘halved’, or
4. Nvidia stock prices soaring over the past 5 years

Would qualify someone for debt forgiveness. Hell, I was confused why your billionaire mom would let you take out student loans to begin with. I thought billionaires loved nepotism. And who’s this guy with student loans without a bachelor’s degree? Needless to say, I had assumed the whole administration had lost its mind.

(“being pressured into taking out a predatory loan at age 17” is not, explicitly, one of the 17 factors.)