southsamurai

Man, it depends on how you think fucking up a chance is. Long story ahead, warning.

So, I was raised by hippies. My dad is/was a country as fuck hippie, but still. So I had access to the library of two laissez-faire parents. This meant I was rather precocious about some things.

Which matters a little in the story.

My mom was a stay at home mom until I was in high school. She got a pretty shitty job, but made friends.

This included a lady that was maybe two years older than me (and I was legal in our state), and gorgeous. I’m talking she could have been a pinup model. Curvy, with these soft, gentle blue eyes and non-bottle blonde hair that was like silk.

Needless to say, I was rather happy to have this lady visiting often.

It turned into her sometimes visiting when my mom wasn’t home (which started happening more since there was a rift between my parents) and hanging out with me.

Now, I was not the suave and sophisticated motherfucker I am today, but I did have some game. And I was not an idiot about everything. So as the flirting escalated on both sides, we were both quite aware that it was going to end in something spectacular. I didn’t know if it would be just sex, or something more intense, but we were two trains heading towards each other with no brakes.

Annnd, it didn’t happen.

My mom fucking cock blocked me. No bullshit, she decided to make her friend swear to not date or have sex with me. Since this woman was a good sort, she promised and kept her word. But, since she was a good sort, she told me the truth when she called a stop to things.

Words were had with my mom lol. Which, I’m not getting into her reasoning beyond saying that it was not a reason I consider a good one even more than thirty years later after being a parent myself. That’s a whole different story.

Anyway. Years pass, and there’s always this fire between me and this lady. It’s a small town, so we would run into each other regularly when I’d come into town to visit (I had moved to a nearby city for a while). But it never happens.

And then I moved back home. Moved into the family home in specific. Which is another long story, but not relevant here.

So, my mom was in the process of moving out at that time, and dragged that process out for two years lol. But her friend would still visit, and that fire started burning harder and higher.

There was a kiss on my birthday. I was asleep, and she came to wish me well. I had been sleeping. And I saw her angel face when I woke up, and damn. I just pulled her into me and our lips melted into each other. Other than my wife and when we finally met in person, it is the best kiss I had ever been involved in. Fucking choirs were singing hallelujah.

But she had made a promise. That my mom refused to let go of.

So, some more time passes, my mom moves out, and I’m in the process of buying the family home (another long and boring story). I get a call. It’s her, calling from a bar saying she’s had too much to drink and be able to drive. So I go get her.

She doesn’t want to go to her home, for good reasons. So I bring her to ours. She says ahe wants to get drunk, and would I take care of her while she did. I’m Mr fucking sober buddy (for real, I’m known for it), so I agree.

There’s flirting, there’s some serious conversation about the situation, but there’s mostly just us playing cribbage and bullshitting. Why? Because cribbage was what she wanted to play. No idea why, she couldn’t give one.

She gets to the level of drunk that I would have cut her off for safety’s sake. She passes out on the couch, I get her into a safe position, and set an alarm in the next room to check on her in a half hour. I figured if she was fine then, I could sleep and she’d be fine.

Well, she was fine, and I turned in. Only to be waken up as she’s climbing into bed with me. She’s mumbling something, and kinda pushes her bottom against me before passing back out.

Now, I can not state clearly enough how good she felt next to me. Soft, warm, and even under the bourbon, she smelled divine. Just her personal scent, no perfumes. Maybe a hint of her soap. She was in her underwear. My body reacted. It reacted strongly.

But, even though I have never been perfect, one thing I have never done is take advantage of someone like that. Never have, never will. So I put a pillow between us, cuddled up, and went to sleep.

She was gone when I woke up.

We lost contact. Or, more truthfully, she wouldn’t return calls, and this was before cell phones, so there wasn’t the same immediacy of knowing that someone is deciding not to answer as there is now. She could have been busy and not at home. But after a bit, I gave up and figured that something had happened where she didn’t want contact, and left it at that.

Except. Small town.

We ran into each other maybe a year later. A little awkward, but I just waved and smiled, and left it at that. No pressure, that’s another thing I’ve never liked doing.

But she calls a few days later, wants to talk.

She tells me that she’s sorry. Not for ghosting me (that wasn’t a common term then, I didn’t even hear it for years after that), but for being so horrible that I didn’t want to have sex with her that night!

She had gotten tipsy with the intention of losing enough control to not care about her promise. Once she got home with me, and I’m being Mr fucking sober buddy, she thought I was not into her, so she got more drunk to make a move herself.

And, here’s the kicker. When she climbed into bed with me, she wanted me to have sex with her. That was the entire goal of the evening, and she genuinely thought it was a good idea that she get so drunk that she wouldn’t feel bad for it happening. Then, when I didn’t rape her in her sleep (which is what it would have been, in my mind then, and still is now), she thought I was too disgusted by her drinking to want her at all.

The lady did have some issues, obviously.

I reassured her that I had wanted her from the first time we met, and it had never changed. But I was a little upset, and asked her if she really thought I was the kind of person that would do that to someone. And she said “that’s just how men are”.

Which says it all, doesn’t it? Kinda encapsulates the kind of life some people suffer through, to be left with that as something that they not just accept as part of an ugly world, but think it’s normal and that it’s okay. She really was hurt that I didn’t want to have sex with her while she was unconscious.

It was a long conversation after that. But she was with someone, and as much as I cared about her, and still wanted her, I was fine with that being the end of it. I still can’t wrap my head around the dissonance of her thinking I could do that. Like I said at the beginning of this, I was precocious. So I was not shy about discussion sex casually, and had talked about sexual issues with her. Drunk sex had come up in conversation. I had said I wouldn’t be comfortable with it since it just felt skeevy. So it wasn’t like the matter was new to the both of us.

Hell, I had even clearly stated in one conversation back when I was still in high school that my biggest turn on is being wanted. Not just in a casual sense, but being actively desired. There’s a magic in it for a big, hairy dude, and I was big and hairy even then. Not many of my peers were into dating a damn sasquatch, you dig?

So, I don’t know that I fucked up the chance. I kinda think she did. But I guess it counts.

Eh, grills are kinda meh, imo. They do protect from impact, but that’s not as likely as you’d think. But dust and debris? Grills are useless. You need something that will prevent things like that from getting on the speakers and causing deterioration over time.

Unless you’re including screens and meshes in grilles, and some folks do.

But yeah, it’s cheaper, and people like to see the speakers, so it helps sales. No bullshit, I’ve lost track of how many people have been weirded out that my car system is covered by a screen. They think you have to see the speakers or they’re somehow fake or made of cheap materials. Like, motherfucker, I built that damn box for one thing. But car speakers are exposed to sun and heat and even worse dust. Not having a screen over them is silly.

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Because humans are assholes. That’s it, the entire reason.

Technically, you can still get it, but the 7 layer burrito was my go-to order when I was on the road and forced to have fast food. The Taco Bell in the next town over was right off the highway, so as I would be zipping between patients, it was usually the only realistic option other than a truck stop that had put people in the hospital three times. So, you know, l decided to live, mas or not lol.

There was a point in time where I ended up eating a lot of taco bell. Enough that I’d had everything on their menu at least once, up until 2005. After that, I haven’t been able to work, so no zipping around three counties wiping butts, which means no need for fast food except as an occasional thing. So I’ve lost track of if they’ve had any temporary stuff or not.

But, yeah, the 7layer was bomb. Like I said, you can still get the same thing by messing around and adding things to other burritos, but that’s a pain in the ass for drive through, if you feel me.

Man, I’ve been disabled since 2005, so I feel the pain of having to find purpose and satisfaction without a job. I miss working, though I would have preferred to be able to work less and still make a living lol.

I find that diversifying my interests helps. I have a lot of down time where being productive isn’t possible (you know, chores and such), so I’ve had to find multiple things to do while recovering from activity. But you can only play so many games, read so many books, do so many crosswords, etc.

Meditation is a big plus. Learning how to be in stillness is a powerful tool.

Picking up skills is a huge benefit. Doesn’t have to be anything big. Just watching some videos and reading up on something like sketching can fill weeks of down time, and then you either learn a new skill that’s useful, or improve an old skill (I used to be pretty decent, but years of working and not drawing had atrophied my sketch skill). Could be anything like that with a low investment in supplies.

If you are capable of it, pick up some coding. Doesn’t have to be enough to do anything, but you’ll have a better understanding of things.

Keep your brain active is what I’m getting at. There’s zero pressure to be good at anything you try, it’s all about the process, the exercise of your mind to keep the boredom and ennui at bay.

Heck yeah. Mind you, I respect other people’s contact preferences and don’t push a hug on anyone. Made that mistake some in my younger days, but realized it was shitty behavior eventually.

But I hug the hell out of anyone I care about enough to call friend or family. I’m a hugger, that’s just how I am.

I got lucky tbh. My dad wasn’t particularly huggy, but he always welcomed us kids when we hugged him. And I had one uncle that was never a hugger, and would avoid them when he could. But otherwise, the men in my life growing up were comfortable with demonstrative affection. Hugs, putting an arm around you, pats on the back, gentle pats on the head, just those little touches that say “I love you” in a way that doesn’t need words because they’re done without thinking, they just reach out and that connection happens.

Oh! And kisses on the top of the head. Big thing on my mom’s side for the men to kiss kids on the top of the head.

My dad was more of the sort to put an arm around you when you sat beside him, but he knew the power of a hug when someone is upset and never hesitated to do so, despite not really liking hugs much. And he was definitely a patter lol. Pats on the head, on the back, just affection by touch.

So, by the time I was a teenager, I was without much of a barrier to hugs. Never got indoctrinated with the stiffness and emotional distance that comes with that barrier. My friend group in high school, we hugged every damn day, usually multiple times a day. We’d meet in the library of a morning and as each of us rolles in, a round of hugs would happen. We’d freely express love for each other verbally too. And not even in the forced jocular “love ya bro” way that started being more acceptable back then. But full on “I love you, I’ll see you tomorrow” type goodbyes.

Shit, some of us would hug our teachers, when they’d let us. Obviously, most of them would not allow it, but there were a couple that didn’t mind. Gods! The principal! Old guy, retired at the end of my senior year. Handing out diplomas at graduation, and shaking hands. Every one of our group just took the diploma and hugged the guy. He was shocked by it, but he knew how we were, and ended up just smiling for the rest of the ceremony. After the first few of us did it, other students not in our group did it too. He was a superb principal, and was sorely missed.

Imo, there is nothing that builds and maintains healthy relationships like regular hugging.

This is already long, but you mentioned other forms of contact. Snuggling depends on the person, but I gladly snuggle with friends if they’re down for it. Can’t play wrestle what with my age and bad back, but used to.

And I’m down with cheek kisses with friends too. Hell, I don’t even object to non sexual lip kisses in theory, though it isn’t a thing that happens very often. Only times it ever happened with male friends was in moments of distraction when saying goodbyes in a group that included spouses lol.

Well, they replace nicotine intake.

You get a measured, stable dose over time. In theory, once you get used to that, you step down the dosage until it’s low enough that you can quit without the worst withdrawal experiences.

Now, you have to be ready to quit, you have to be willing to get past the habitual and psychological side of smoking, and you have to accept that there will be some withdrawal symptoms along the way. But they can and do work.

Me? When I quit with patches the first time I quit for an extended time, they worked fine. I was younger, hadn’t been smoking super long, and had things to keep me busy in a way I didn’t when I quit this most recent time. In between starting to smoke again and quitting this time, I tried patches multiple times without success because of the psychological, social, and habitual influences.

You get out of patches what you bring to the situation.

They can also be very useful for someone that is medically barred from smoking, but not from nicotine itself, or for short term use in most situations.

Side note: I still miss some parts of smoking. But I don’t miss addiction, or the physical effects of smoking and the effects of nicotine.

If you aren’t ready to quit smoking, patches are damn near as expensive, depending on where you live. Some places they’re more expensive than cheap tobacco and rolling your own. So you’re throwing money away for next to no real gain. You’re better off setting the money aside for when you’re ready to quit.

Chocolate.

That’s true, but I found that just adding wasn’t great. You still have the smaller particles in there, which changes both comfort levels (not by much tbh) and what you might call aroma. It gets a kind of musty smell as it deteriorates, which doesn’t totally go away if you filter out the smaller stuff

Depends on what you mean by last.

I still have one feather pillow from about ten years ago. It’s still a pillow, but it’s gotten lumpy, less full, and it’s really only still around because of a strange nostalgia. It got to the point where it slept poorly at about a year. To be fair, it wasn’t the “best” possible.

Buckwheat, I got a little longer before it lost enough filling to break down that it wasn’t viable, about two years before I was just done with it being progressively flatter.

Eh, I’ve tried all of them at least once.

For my money, shredded memory foam is the best. It isn’t perfect, but I’ve had the best balance between comfort, durability, ease of cleaning, and cost.

Buckwheat was good at support, and stayed fairly cool, but the breakdown and difficulty of cleaning made it a problem. It just doesn’t last as well. Only thing that was worse in that regard was feathers. Feathers get ruined faster than anything else I tried.

Pillow cases, I’m a cotton fan. High thread count cotton has the right balance of softness vs smoothness. Too soft, and you end up with bunching and wrinkles as you move. Too smooth, and you end up with your head moving too easy but your hair not moving well.

Polyfill sucks for everything except ease of cleaning.

Cotton batting is about the same as polyfill, but not as easy to clean.

Solid foam is just begging to sweat heavy, and damn near impossible to clean well. Plus the durability is iffy.

Pillow cases, actual linen isn’t bad, but tends not to be as comfy as cotton. Silk is way too smooth. Satin is just uncomfortable. Synthetics tend to run hot, even though they feel nice. Knit cotton feels the best, but damn does it fall into poor condition fast.

Most of the time, lemmy.

Obviously, the difficulty with very niche communities not being useful here can be annoying.

And, being real, the lack of robust moderation tools makes moderating a pain in the ass.

But, overall, I find the people on lemmy less prone to bad behavior, and the discussions more rewarding. That makes up for the underlying missing functional things worth it.

Reddit, even before they went full asshole as a company, had the major problem of being big. Humans are assholes for the most part. The more people you have, and the lower the bar for entry, the more of those assholes are going to be a problem.

Lemmy has assholes too. The usual knee jerk reactionaries, trolls, and that sort of thing. But the very minor extra effort of having to pick an instance reduces how many of the brain dead assholes will put in the effort. The assholes are a better quality of asshole lol.

But damn, there were some long established communities on reddit that simply can’t be reproduced here because you can’t make old communities. There are a ton of subs that had been around since subs came around. You can’t duplicate that kind of organic growth. There’s very few C/s on lemmy that have a real sense of community yet. I think it’ll happen, but it hasn’t had time for a lot of real cultures to spring up the way reddit had.

I miss the hell out of those long established neighborhoods.

Nothing wrong with that :)

For me, it was an inability to only finger strings properly, even after about six months of practice. My hands, even back in my teens, were huge. That includes big fingers (size 14 ring at the time)

Since I didn’t have the freedom to try other instruments in a useful way, I just decided I had better things to do with my time than fuck around making dissonant sounds on a guitar.

But, before you give up entirely, maybe try learning a simple song all the way. That was what actually made my decision. I knew what it was supposed to sound like, knew where my fingers were vs how the strings were supposed to be used, and knew I’d never make the music that drove me to want to try in the first place.

If you can manage to learn one song and play it to the point you can tell what you’re playing, I say keep going. From that point, it’s a matter of practice and figuring out what lessons work for you.

But it is a learning curve that kills a lot of potential players of any instruments. I hang with an old high school friend that fronts a band. I’ve had this conversation with him (and he reached the same conclusion I did after teaching me a little on both tenor and bass guitar, that I might so something, but it wouldn’t be what I wanted) about getting past that wall.

He said that in person lessons are the best way to get past the initial “what the fuck is going on” stage where nothing seems to work. A lot of people pick up a book, or watch videos and try to get going. But those methods don’t work for everyone. So you kinda need someone that can give active feedback on all the little things that go into learning your first song.

And that’s what he says the goal should be; you pick a simple song, learn it, and then improve on it. Takes a few weeks for a lot of people to get something like amazing grace or Mary had a little lamb down to the point that it sounds right. But you have to start simple because you’ve got to get your hands used to the job. It can take a thousand plus repetitions of a given action to commit it to memory in a way it becomes fluid and natural (which is a thing in martial arts, btw, you have drill the hell out of a technique before you can spar with it).

But it’s also okay to give up. It’s your time, your energy. If you’ve discovered that the return on that isn’t fast enough to give you what you want/need, why waste part of your life banging against the wall? Sometimes a learning curve isn’t worth climbing.

If you’ve covered your ass already, that’s pointless. Hell, if you’ve already got a record of his orders vs your recommendation, it’s more trouble than its worth.

If you don’t, then that’s perfect.

Cover your ass, then follow orders. The job is, whether anyone likes it or not, to do what a supervisor tells you. If the supervisor is an idiot like yours, that doesn’t change. Do the job, cover your ass, and hope for the best.

Whatever the equivalent word would be. Leader, chief, boss, it doesn’t really matter.

As long as the concept of a single leader existed, it would have been applied to something like bees. Wouldn’t need monarchies to recognize a central focus of an insect group, and pick the closest word for that.

You could maybe argue that there might be some alien species that had no concept of ever needing a decision maker, and they would have to coin a new word for the main reproductive entity of a hive. Something like mother might be used, if the aliens had that concept at all. Perhaps “generator” would be a close enough equivalent that the imaginary aliens would be almost certain to have a similar enough concept.

But humans had a concept of needing someone to make decisions about things way back. So I don’t think it’s a realistic enough idea to say that in the absence of monarchy that we wouldn’t have some kind of term for a person in charge.

Shit, I have all of the above, in multiples.

I have kind of abandoned keeping a gaming PC up to date because I get sick of the bullshit. But the one I have currently isn’t too far behind, hardware wise.

But I use it for piracy, image management (including editing), video editing, etc. The stuff that punks out other devices.

I have a dedicated media PC that is hooked up to the TV and stereo, but is isolated from anything else. That’s what I still run Windows 7 on because musicbee on Linux isn’t ready for prime time.

Then there’s my wife’s old computer that’s hooked up to my kid’s tvt, not that it ever gets used. But it’s functional, so until it dies, that’s what it does.

My laptop is exclusively for my writing. Dual boot with win 10/mint Linux. The win10 exists only for a specific piece of software that makes publishing to amazon easier. No games, but I do some media playback with it when I have to travel.

Phones suck at media management, word processing, and pretty much everything else tbh. Too many lobbyists limitations, too much crap for proper multitasking, no good apps for long form writing. But I do use them as music players at home via headphones.

Tablets are for portable video consumption, crappy mobile games, and reading. Some short form writing is possible on a decent tablet.

I don’t see phones taking over much of what I use a laptop for, ever. And the screen size of even the biggest phones would suck for media management, even if it was realistic to store large amounts on one.

Something had to go, that’s the premise.

Compared to anything else in existence, the shit that man wrote is the least useful thing.

Weed out via the tolerance metric.

If a piece of writing is non fiction, and exists to foment hatred, bye-bye. mein kampf is not literature.